You know what I like about Christmas? The surprises.
You get this box and you're sure of what's inside.
You shake it, weigh it.
You're convinced you have it pegged. No doubt in your mind.
But then you open it and it's different.
You know. Wow! Bang! Surprise!
I mean, it's kind of like you and me here, you know?
I'm not saying it's anything it's not.
Come on, this time yesterday, who would've thunk it?
Paper or plastic?
- Paper or plastic? - Both.
You didn't double my coupons?
They're at the bottom in red, where it says "double coupons."
You can't put bleach in the same bag as food. It's poison.
Don't think you're something you're not. I had your job.
Look how far it got you.
Nothing brings back warm holiday memories like the songs you love.
- Don't. - Why not?
Because she's been on for 14 hours.
- Ronna? - No.
- I didn't ask yet. - The answer's no.
Christmas is a time for giving.
Mistletoe?
Pardon me if I'm not in a holly-jolly mood right now.
I'm getting evicted.
Tomorrow.
They wouldn't evict you at Christmas.
You'd be ho-ho-homeless.
- How much you owe? - $380.
- That's nothing. - It's more than I got.
Want my shift?
My best mates are going to Las Vegas this weekend.
I've never been. I'm told it's incredible.
If you take my shift, I can go with them. Everybody wins.
Cash up front?
Deal.
I'll throw in an extra $20 for a blowjob.
Any available cashier.
I need a cashier up at the front.
Look, I went the last time.
Okay. Dead Celebrities. Loser goes up.
Omar Sharif.
Steve McQueen.
Michael Landon.
Lee Marvin.
Shit.
Malcolm X.
You can't say Malcolm X.
He's famous. He's dead.
That's a rule. Nothing starts with an "X."
That's not my problem.
You can challenge.
- I challenge. - Bullshit!
Give me one dead celebrity that begins with an "X."
Fuck!
There is one. I know I thought of one before.
Break was over four minutes ago. Who's up front?
I am.
X erxes.
Some dead pharaoh guy, and his name starts with an "X."
That wasn't it. Never heard of fucking X erxes.
Pharaoh could've saved your ass.
There's an opera about him.
X erxes.
I took Music Appreciation twice.
What do you mean, he's snowed in? What's he doing in Chicago anyway?
Look, just call me when you get to a landline.
He can't get out of the airport. We're fucked.
Is the British guy still here?
He went to Vegas for the weekend.
Vegas.
Hi...
...Ronna. Right?
Where can I get something to go with this juice?
Doughnuts, aisle four.
I was hoping for something more euphoric.
The British guy hooks us up.
How much?
- Twenty at $20. - You're overpaying.
We're desperate. We're going to a party at a warehouse. What is it?
"Mary X-mas Superfest."
- You going? - We had a pre-party planned.
But it's all or nothing because there's 20 of us.
My friend's stuck in Chicago. He was supposed to come through for us.
We're dead. If you could do anything...
...to help us out...
Please.
I'll see. Give me your number.
Kick ass! Thank you.
So you wanna buy all this OJ?
Absolutely.
You know Simon's in Vegas?
I don't need Simon. I'm going to Todd.
Todd Gaines?
Who's Todd Gaines?
That's Simon's dealer.
You can't go around Simon like that.
Listen, if Simon were here, which he's not, he'd charge $15...
...when he gets it for $10. Times 20 hits, that's $100.
It's a leap. You're moving up the drug food chain without permission.
You shouldn't do this.
Why can't you chill the fuck out, okay? It's just once.
When Simon gets back, we can still overpay if it makes you happy.
But this is my deal.
Just sit back and watch.
- Speak. - Todd, it's Ronna Martin.
You know me through Simon.
Can I come up?
I thought you bought quarters off of Simon.
At least, what Simon pretends are quarters.
I keep him honest.
At that level, you should pinch. It's the economics.
You leaving?
Be good.
I take it this is not a social call.
I need a favour.
I didn't know we were such good friends.
If we were, you'd know I give head before I give favours.
I ain't giving my best friends head...
...so your chance of getting a favour is pretty slim.
Tell me what you wanna buy.
Twenty hits of Ecstasy.
You come here out of the blue asking for 20 hits...
...when 20 is the magic number where "intent to sell" becomes "trafficking"?
- I'd never fuck you like that. - How would you fuck me?
This is real.
Pharmaceutical grade, not that crunchy, herbal rave shit.
Don't let anybody double dose. They'll fry in the emergency room.
- Understood. - Only one hit per headbanger.
Understood.
Twenty at $15 is $300.
Fifteen?
I was thinking more like 10.
I know you charge Simon 10.
Inflation is a bitch.
There are 20 of us. I need all of this.
But I only have $200. That's all I have.
No, no. Hear me out.
Hear me out, okay? This $200 is like a down payment.
All right? You give me the stuff...
...I go to them, get the extra $100, come back and pay you.
That would be doing you a favour. And you know how I feel about favours.
I could leave something with you.
Collateral.
I already got a fucking Swatch.
I need something I know you'll come back for.
- I'm not going. - It's 45 minutes.
Hour, tops. Just sit there.
He's a drug dealer.
Jesus, Claire. Don't get 8-1-8 on me here.
How much have I done for you?
No. You're making me an accessory.
Claire, my bracelet you're wearing, that's an accessory.
You're just some chick sitting in an apartment.
I'm not.
Okay. No bullshit, okay?
I don't get this money, I get evicted. My ass is on the street.
Claire, I don't have anyone else to go to, okay?
I'm coming to you and I am asking for help.
Please.
Fine. 45 minutes. That's 8:00.
We'll be back by 8. I promise.
It's 237.
Jesus! Next time, ask for directions.
You're a pro.
I'm a top-seeded amateur.
And I'm a very happy man.
Come on in. Damn glad to meet you, Rhonda.
Ronna.
When I heard Philly got snowed in, I told these guys...
...it was getting loose there. I'm glad we found you.
Work, work, work.
Friday must be a busy night.
That was just a friend.
What can I get you to drink?
Some of that orange juice would be great.
Great.
All right.
I understand...
...this party's gonna be huge.
Massive.
Traci Lords is a promoter.
She is.
That's what I heard.
Ron, hon, we are fresh out of OJ. Cerveza?
Hey, we bought a bunch of orange juice tonight.
I just left it in the car. But I can go get it.
Zack tells me that you've got 20 at $20. Is that right?
You got a bathroom?
It's down the hall on the right.
Let me show you.
Maybe we could do this first?
Fuck!
We said Chicago. You said Philly. I mean, maybe she didn't notice.
Everybody just keep it calm. We're good.
You're fine.
Everything all right?
Fine.
Shit!
It's all yours.
Ronna, hon, do we got a deal here or not?
No, actually, we don't. I came to tell you I couldn't get anything.
A resourceful girl like you? I don't believe that.
It's true.
I just wanna make a deal here. Can we?
Who the fuck are you? Monty Hall?
Did you know I'm only 17?
I probably shouldn't be drinking beer. Seeing as I'm so...
...underage and all?
That means, get away from the door.
We go back to Todd's, say they didn't show up...
...then exchange the pills for Claire.
We can't.
- Why not? - Because they're gone! I flushed them!
Think of something.
I need 100 bucks or 20 hits of X.
What?
You took one, didn't you?
Fuck you, Mannie!
How could you do this to me? I need you now.
Drive!
Where?
Just drive.
I have an idea.
Were they round or oval?
White.
Round.
Like aspirin.
Like baby aspirin.
A or B?
B.
You're sure?
Well, I wasn't really looking.
Stop fucking paging me, Claire!
Speak.
I'm just licking my dick.
What's up with you?
It's called the Crazy Horse. You have to look it up.
I don't know what I'm up to. Where's this party at?
The party? Where's it at?
It's called "Mary X-mas."
"Mary," like a chick.
Like her name is Mary.
Not like you marry her, you fucking moron.
I don't know. It's some warehouse shit. Will this be cool?
Yeah, I guess.
My friend Claire here says it's gonna be a kick-ass fucking time.
What, you know her?
It's your buddy Simon. He's in Vegas.
Yeah, I know.
She knows.
Hell, I don't know.
Maybe.
Well, save a load for me, big boy.
Whatever.
What do you want for Christmas, Claire?
I don't know.
Do you wanna get laid?
No.
No, you don't wanna get laid?
Or no, you do, but you don't wanna get laid with me?
Look, they'll be here.
They'll be here.
Are you a virgin?
What?
Come on, Claire.
Answer the question.
Answer the question, Claire!
Breakfast Club. I get it. Very funny.
Don't say anything.
Try not to look so stoned.
This girl's brother already came through with it...
I understand that.
Let me just, you know, fill out a return slip here...
...and the manager will give you a refund.
I'm trying to explain to you what happened.
They already got the stuff somewhere else. It was a miscommunication.
I can hear your thoughts.
Xiang Kai-Shek.
Famous Chinese ruler. Starts with "X."
No, "C" Chiang Kai-Shek.
You're going to die.
I'm keeping $50. Call it interest.
I'm really sorry about all this.
I just gave you a favour.
Here I thought you just gave me head.
Crown me.
At the risk of sounding like, you know...
...me...
...what'll you do about being evicted?
Aren't you still short?
What?
I'm Kelly and this is Donna.
We're wondering if you wanna hang out.
I think I feel something.
It's really smooth, isn't it?
Donna's brother here is a pharmacist, so he got it for us.
His name's Chip. My brother.
Is it like a wave?
Or is it like a zoom?
It's like...
...floating.
Like...
..." Hey, man, how's the ground down there?" and shit.
I got it.
Holy shit!
Fuck, yeah!
Shit!
It's really that cool?
Man, you gotta try this shit. I'll buy it for you.
You know what makes it even better?
If you take, like, a lot of pot with it.
I mean, like, a lot of pot.
I can't believe you're selling allergy medicine.
We're out of that. We're down to chewable aspirin.
Some people are saying that you got some really good stuff.
Show me your tits.
So how much have you made?
Four hundred.
Where'd you get it?
This girl inside. She and her friend had it.
Ecstasy. The real shit?
Pharmaceutical grade.
None of the crunchy, herbal rave shit.
Best 20 bucks you could spend.
What's wrong?
I can't feel my hands.
Jesus, you're burning up.
I can't carry you, okay?
I'm leaving you here.
I'm gonna go get the car.
All right? Just hide here, okay?
Just like a little mouse.
I'm gonna get the car, then come back for you. I'll see you soon, okay?
How are sales?
I can explain.
I'm not gonna ask you to.
It's not a highly ethical industry.
But goddamn, you fucked me over for 20 lousy hits.
It's not what it looks like. It sort of is, but it's complicated.
Not really.
I know I fucked up, okay? Please...
...I can make it up to you.
I'm the last person you should ask a favour from.
I have the money.
I have more than I owe you.
So now you're an entrepreneur.
Jalisco? Where's Jalisco?
In Mexico.
Simon, no one is going to take your shift.
Nothing brings back warm holiday memories like...
Don't.
Why not?
Because she's been on for 14 hours.
- Ronna. - No.
- I didn't ask yet. - The answer's no.
Christmas is a time for giving.
Mistletoe?
- How much you owe? - $380.
- That's nothing. - It's more than I got.
Want my shift?
My best mates are going to Las Vegas this weekend.
I've never been. I'm told it's incredible.
If you take my shift, I can go with them. Everybody wins.
Cash up front?
Deal.
I'll give you an extra $20 for a blowjob.
Fucking let me out of here!
What?
Shut your big butt.
Motherfucking jack-in-the-box!
Dude, you passed out before we left L.A.
He still looks great.
Watch out.
Damn!
Man, watch the kicks!
That is nasty.
Peep this.
This chick's bobbing up and down on my dick like Marilyn Chambers...
She found your dick?
Then she moves around the outside. She's painting the tree.
It hits her in the eye.
And her contact? It's, like, stuck on the end of my dick.
Yo, her contact is stuck on the end of my dick!
Was it hard or soft?
My dick?
- The contact lens. - Remember if it was coloured?
That she had two blue eyes...
...and now one blue and one brown?
What does it matter?
It matters because it happened to me.
That was my story. I told that story a year ago, man.
The difference is I knew those small details.
That and my story was true.
Whatever.
"Whatever"?
Whatever.
What do you mean?
Pull your stinky dinky out of my ass! I was making conversation.
Fuck!
Give a nigger a break!
"Nigger"? What nigger, this nigger?
I told you my mother's mother's mother was black.
This ain't Roots.
Show me this Nubian's picture.
I don't carry her picture.
If you were less black, you'd be clear.
She was black as night!
Okay, stop! Truce!
Shut up!
Man, I see black.
I know I am. Colour's a state of mind, Marcus.
You know, you're right. Thank you, Rhythm Nation.
Fuck you, Vanilla Ice.
So what does Valentina do?
- Valentina's a nutritionist. - Nice.
She also teaches a class at this college.
Class? What class?
It's called "Tantric Sexuality for Couples."
She teaches people how to fuck?
Yo, I taught myself.
Yo, are you done yet, girl?
That's a shrimp ass.
That shrimp's full of iodine.
This shit's expensive. You're spending $5 for lettuce and seeds.
Damn!
The thing is, most people...
...don't know how to make love.
They stick it in, move it around till they get off.
But what Tantra teaches you is how to deepen...
...prolong the sexual experience.
Bring it to a higher level.
If one man in 10 was having the sex I'm having, there'd be no war.
What's the longest you two ever did it?
- Fourteen hours. - Holy shit!
How many times you shoot?
Not once, man.
You didn't go once? Not even at the end?
You redirect the orgasm inside.
How long do your orgasms last? Two, three seconds?
I've had orgasms that have lasted up to an hour and a half.
That's bullshit!
Honest to God and I mean Allah.
Word.
- Word. - Wait.
- No love. - When'd you last get off?
I haven't ejaculated in six months.
Anyone can do it.
It just takes discipline.
Bullshit. You're some Obi-Wan Kenobi motherfucker.
You call me old school. I'm for coming and going.
Hour and a half.
What the hell you doing with a gold... Todd Gaines?
The drug dealer.
He gets a discount here. He let me borrow it. He's a good guy.
He's the good drug dealer. Right. Sometimes I get confused.
Relax, we're gonna pay cash. That's just to get the room.
Come on, Singh.
I told you not to eat those shrimp, didn't I?
Todd, it's Simon. What's up?
I'm in Vegas. We just got here.
What was the name of that place you said we...
Crazy Horse.
Right. So what you up to tonight?
Singh, come on now!
Hold on, man.
Damn, Singh!
See, I told you not to eat those shrimp, didn't I?
You're going to a wedding?
So what is it, like a rave?
How's your stomach feel, Singh?
No gambling for you.
I know Claire.
So you gonna fuck her?
All I know is I plan to get thoroughly laid.
Who are you?
This is our room.
What are you doing?
Raping small children.
Did I mention how much I like your jacket?
Bitch, look at your shirt. This ain't Hawaii.
Lend me some money.
- Man, where's your money? - I lost it.
We've been here five minutes.
I played this game at a $100 table and didn't understand it.
Now I do. I figured out how to beat it.
Cool. Give me your wallet.
Here you go.
- What're you doing? - Come back in an hour for it.
In an hour, I'll give you your money. Now get out. You're bad luck.
Scram. Damn it!
Darling?
Hello.
Cheers!
Oh, my God!
So if you're from over there...
...then where did you meet these friends of yours...
...who I don't see?
The others already knew each other. I met Marcus in traffic school.
In traffic school?
Listen, I'm a good driver, I am.
I learned everything from American television.
Great.
Hunter, Magnum P. I...
Knight Rider is an excellent program.
Are you having a go at me here?
Our stop.
So do you want to be getting high with us?
Otherwise, I can't hold it in.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- You're fine. - I'm so bad!
- I don't know what I'm doing! - Tell her she's fine!
You're beautiful.
Did you go?
Why not?
Tantra, baby.
Sorry.
Could you hand me a towel?
Baby, what's up?
I'm not a bathroom attendant!
Redneck motherf...!
Man, we're leaving.
- Hell, yeah. - Let's go.
Keep it close and there's an extra $10 for you.
Get in the car. Get in.
Shit! Look at this.
Oh, my Lord!
Don't point it at me.
- How do I know if it's loaded? - First, stop pointing it!
You know, I've never held a real gun before.
It's heavier than I thought.
Could you put it down, please?
I wonder if it's loaded.
How do you get this...
I can't do it. It's stuck.
Give me that gun! Take the wheel.
Goddamn you!